Ms. Understood [p.2]

Hi Miss Understood,
My boyfriend and I have been together for over two years.  Since the beginning, we have been debating and arguing over the smallest things.  I thought the reason why we did that was because we were just starting out, but until now, things have not changed.  I just worry because I see that other couples seem to never fight or disagree being together for a really long time.  Is my relationship at risk if I continue to argue and bicker over little details?  Or is it a good thing to fight, which usually means that one still cares?  I love him a lot, and hate it when we argue, but sometimes I just want to reach my hand into his brain to understand what he is thinking. HELP ME!

Sincerely,
Debating

Dear Debating,
First and foremost, stop with the hand-in-the-brain visual; that is just totally disgusting. Besides, you KNOW what he is thinking. He is thinking the exact same thing every other man from adolescence through adulthood thinks about—sex.

But I understand it is the debating and arguing that have you down. What exactly is it you two are debating?

Are you play-fighting and letting things get out of hand, or are these knock-down-drag-out arguments that stop short of police interaction only because one of you leaves the scene? Are you arguing politics or what to have for dinner? Does he verbally abuse you by calling you names and/or do you also become verbally aggressive?

The fact is: disagreements happen. However, if you end up bawling in the next room because you are trying to avoid transfats and he insists that movie popcorn needs to have I-can’t-believe-they-even-consider-that-crap-butter on it, you might have a bigger problem—and it’s not him.

Arguing takes two people (unless you take into account the ever-present battle of Man vs. Nature but we won’t go there). Assuming that neither of you are breaking the cardinal rules of fair fighting by name-calling, verbally or physically threatening and/or walking out, you just need to keep a little perspective on the spats. As a well-visited marriage counselor once said, “There always has to be an adult in the room.” You just might have to step up and be that grown-up.

If you don’t want to fight simply say, “Excuse me Mr. Man, this argument is really not productive but I understand you are upset. Is there an issue you would like to resolve with me?” If he refuses to take it down a notch, you are well within your rights to say, “Mr. Man, I would really like to try and understand where you are coming from but I believe this discussion has escalated too far. Perhaps we should revisit {insert issue here} again tomorrow when we’re both a little calmer.”

Practice those phrases a few times and commit them to memory. Trust me, you will find them useful again and again and again.
Mind, Soul and Virtual Body,
Miss Understood

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Miss Understood received her undergraduate degree in the intimacies of deconstructing relationships from the University of Hard Knocks and a graduate degree in what-not-to-say-and-how-best-to-say-it from the most prestigious online get-a-degree-in-a-month program around. She will be filling in until Ms. Understanding returns. Email: missunderstood@nhamagazine.com