Dear Missunderstood,
Since I was a little girl, my dad has been an alcoholic and even now, over 18 years later, he still continues to be.  He used to abuse my siblings and also my mom.  They are now separated, but we all still live together in the same house.  He stopped abusing us, but still continues to drink and smoke excessively.  Everytime he comes home drunk, we all run into our rooms and stay there.  I always hear about other people around my age getting very upset when they find out that their parents are divorcing, but is it wrong for me to WISH that upon my parents?   Sometimes I feel really bitter and hope that he would just disappear.  I know that it’s wrong, but he’s been hurting us since the beginning of time.  I still love him but also hate him.  Am I being overdramatic?
Sincerely,
Abused 

Dear Abused,
The term “over-dramatic,” as defined by Webster’s New Millennium™ Dictionary of English is an adjective describing behavior, “more dramatic than the situation calls for; acting hysterically or outrageously dramatic.”

In essence, you are difinitively NOT being over-dramatic.

Divorce, in any situation, is as sticky as a honey-pot and rife with conflicting emotions. Add your history of witnessing years of incompatibility and unhappiness in your home and the bottom line is: feeling relief and even a sense of happiness about your parents split is quite normal.

Now that I have assuaged your guilt regarding the roller coaster of love-hate feelings toward your father; let me delve right to the heart of the matter.

As you mentioned, your father is an alcoholic. You are an astute young women to have come to this conclusion on your own, as many family members do not admit the presence of a problem out of denial, shame, perceived respect or, in some cases, the misplaced idea that saying it makes it so.

Actually, the drinker makes it so, everytime he picks up the hooch.

You cannot stop your father’s drinking or smoking. Both are not only bad habits but severe addictions.  Smoking will coat his lungs in soot, is bad for the environment and probably makes his car, clothes and house smell like a local dive bar but his smoking doesn’t prevent him from being a dependable family member.

His drinking does.

While drinking excessive amounts of alcohol is considered by many to be a vice; alcoholism, the compulsive drinking that frequently results in abusive or neglectful behavior toward others, is an incurable disease.

Your father is suffering from a very real addiction but you, your mother and your siblings are all victims of this disease.

Whether or not your father is abusing you in the classic sense, his drinking still continues to affect you and harboring anger, sadness and frustration are all decidedly normal emotions in a situation such as yours.

Having a relationship with an alcoholic can be tricky, shameful and lead to co-dependence in relationships outside of the familial walls.

Al-Anon is an anonymous, non-fee based program for those affected by a loved ones alcoholism. The program is full of members, like yourself, who need support for a disease affecting the very core of their being.

While there are certainly times that Miss Understood relies on humor to convey her point, she knows, from first-hand experience, that there is nothing humorous about the pain alcoholism brings to a family unit. Alcoholics often have problems with consistentcy, honesty and committment. Yet those three traits are absolute needs in a trusting relationship.

You cannot trust your father, you want to believe you can trust your father.  He is sober, he is drunk. He apologizes, he verbally abuses.,/p>

His inconsistency will make you neurotic unless you can come to terms with the fact that his drinking is not your fault and work on surrounding yourself with stability and support. 

If you are looking for a non-judgemental, anonymous, free support group, pick up the phone and call 1-888-AL-ANON.

Al-Anon (and Alateen) are support groups for individuals caught in the painful web of a loved one’s alcoholism. There is no paperwork to fill out, money to pay (although donations are accepted) or embarassment to be felt. The program is over 50 years old and meetings are held all over the country. To find a safe place to talk and listen, you can also visit their website www.al-anon.alateen.org.

Meanwhile, assuage yourself of guilt regarding the ill-will toward your father and work on positive feelings for yourself.
Heart, Soul and Body,
Miss Understood

Dear Miss Understood,
My little brother just graduated from high school and I asked him which college would he like to go to and he answered me with, “I’m going to be a rapper.”

It is not that I am doubting him or anything; I just want to make sure that he has a backup plan if rapping doesn’t work out for him. I told him that shit happens and that it doesn’t hurt to have a Plan B. He just responded with, “Don’t ask me for money when I’m rich.”

I honestly don’t want any of his money if he does make it big. He is the type where you must give him something back in return if he gives you something, basically he can’t give out free things. Plus, I don’t want to hear him tell me that I owe him if anything happens. I tried to give him examples of rappers who were once millionaires filed for bankruptcies and are now broke.

I’m planning to move out soon and my mom is not going to always be there to pick him back up when something doesn’t work out for him. What can I say to convince him to go to college next semester?
Sincerely,
Worried Wort

Dear Worried,
How very astute of you to recognize that shit does indeed happen. You now need to recognize that there are many different kinds of said shit. There is bad shit, tough shit and, of course, good shit, to name a few.

Your letter didn’t mention how successful your brother was in high school; perhaps he is one of those people who are just not ready for collegiate-level work. A plan B is a fabulous idea but, in order to get him to consider a backup plan, you may want to help him outline the details of the original plan and encourage him explore his dream intelligently.

Rapping may be his passion but now he needs to learn whether or not it can pay the bills. Suggest he take a class in the art of rapping. Suggest he attend some open mic nights in the area. Help him devise a plan for achieving jam master status but helping him find role models and mentors in the field. Asian rappers are not plentiful but they are not unheard of either.

Making ends meet with an hourly wage while investigating a possible career in music is often enough to weed out those with little talent or stamina for the unpredictable world of entertainment. Many young people begin with a similar dream to score a record label and reap the rewards of fame and fortune; you’ll run into most of them at your class reunion and hear all about their ’15 minutes of fame’ opening for the regional Farmer’s Market polka band.

Unless he is living in an alternate reality, he probably knows his chances are slim to achieve celebrity status so, while he may not make it big and he may indeed fall flat on his face; at least he will know he has your unconditional love and support.

Then, when you really want him to attend an institution of higher learning, go ahead and remind him that many of the most successful musicians found their band mates in college.
Heart, Soul and Body,
Miss Understood

p.s. If your brother does make it big in the entertainment world, please remind him that Miss Understood supported him all the way and she is not too proud to accept any form of monetary or material payout for her sound advice.