by Ms. Understood

While the wise and fabulous Ms. Understanding is off contemplating the pros and cons of long distance relationships, celestial celibacy and why all exercise classes now sound like the bastard child of Yoga and Pilates these days (Yo-lates, Pi-Yo????), Miss Understood shall be filling in with sage, albeit unconventional, personal relationship advice.

Dear Miss Understood,
At the beginning of the school year I met a friend in math class who was a really nice guy. He helped me whenever I was stuck on a math problem; he let me share his book with him in class, so I didn’t have to carry my book to class; and we always studied together before every exam. Toward the end of the school year he told me that he liked me, so I told him that I only wanted to be friends with him. He got really mad at me and started to give me a lecture on how girls only like “bad boys,” and then he asked me why I didn’t like him. He wasn’t bad looking or anything, there just wasn’t anything about him that attracted me to him, and I am not going to be more than friends with him if there’s no attraction. Since that day he all has done is be mean to me! I want to know why a guy becomes really mean to a girl when he finds out she doesn’t like him back?
Sincerely,
Don’t Deserved To Be Mean To
Garden City, KS

Dear Don’t,
I’m not quite sure how far you’ve progressed in your academic studies however, from your rudimentary physics days, you may recall Newton’s Third Law “For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.” That, my fresh-from-the-Heartland heartbreaker, is exactly what is happening here. And you thought you’d never have to use physics in real life!

Those with the Y-chromosome lack resiliency. They have skins as thin as overripe produce and, essentially, you took that little tomato of a man and bit down hard with the I-don’t-like-you-in-THAT-way speech. The seeds of his delicate ego and self-esteem popped right out of their skin and all over his face. Your brutally honest tactics hurt his feelings. In the future, you may consider responding to, “I really like you” with something a bit more sympathetic than, “I’m not attracted to you.” Even an, “I’m flattered but I’ve been hurt before and am not really looking for a relationship right now” would have preserved some of that delicate male ego. Grain-fed boys, and those outside the Heartland too, appreciate a woman who appreciates manliness for what it is—lacking resiliency.

If his meanness has still got you down, take the proverbial Kansas livestock by the horns. Look that broken down cowboy in the eye, place one hand coyly across his chest and start spewing, “Sweet smelling Kansas-man, you big brawny thing, I am so sorry I shattered your heart with my self-involved statement. I was terrified of your bulk, your brawn, your John Deere tractor. I needed to be sure of my feelings and I needed to be sure I could handle an Angus-bull of a man like yourself. Now I am sure. Baby, I can’t stop thinking about you. I am as sure as the corn grows high in summer; as sure as those crop eatin’ grasshoppers swoop down and masticate our fields every seven or so years, as sure as I have ever been about anything. Oh, I am just soooo sure. Go ahead and show me the ring, let’s set the wedding date! I want LOTS of babies; like a dozen at least. I know money may be tight but we can live on love and whatever grows in the fields.”

You could go on but, seriously, by the time you get to the ‘babies’ part, he’ll have dropped the class, changed his major and left the state.

And then you’ll be free to find a classmate you’re more attracted to.

Mind, Soul and Virtual Body,
Miss Understood